Perna - I think that might have something to do with it. It seems like some stuff he SAYS he likes but then it also makes him feel bad. Like he says he loves that I'm driven but I think it makes him a little insecure that I'm further ahead than he was at 22. And he says that he likes that I'm more conservative in physical areas but then wants me to get kinda crazy lol.

One big thing I need to take into account was his upbringing - he went to a private Lutheran school until high school. He said that he was not allowed to show emotion period or else he would be ridiculed. They just weren't allowed to do anything really. So now, over a decade later, he still has this front where he feels like he has to act different on the surface.

And I said that when I get to see the real him, that's what I like. I like the guy that would sit up and talk all night with me or would go to the bar and act like a total idiot with me and dance stupid. Not the guy that acquires the personality of whoever he is around. I'm a very 'real' person and put myself out there and don't necessarily care what people think of me. But I think his upbringing has made it almost impossible for him to really discover himself.

He even said that he knows something is wrong but doesn't know what. He can't express in words how he feels or what he thinks is missing. I think him even realizing that is a big step.

He did cry last night (I didn't physically see it but I heard it) which is the closest he has ever come to showing real true emotion in front of me or anyone else. I told him it made me feel horrible that I was basically telling him it was over and he wasn't even shedding a tear. Then I started bawling because him sitting there with a straight face through that made me feel like he didn't give a rats *** if I left or not. And I think him seeing me like that really hurt him.

Later on I kinda talked him through expressing how he is feeling right now. I just asked him what was frustrating about his thesis and got info that has been going on for months that I never knew about! He said he is scared that this college life is all he has known for years and it will all be over. I think he is a little jealous that I get to go on to grad school when his is finished. He said he is terrified that he doesn't know where he will be or what he'll be doing in 4 months, doesn't know if he will have a job, doesn't know where he will live etc...

I feel like I don't want to NOT have him in my life but I don't want to be with this negative person he has turned into. I told him all the things that I miss about our relationship and he agreed. I think right now we need to take it one day at a time. My friend told me I could stay at her house if I needed some time away. We'll see what happens. I'm just afraid to let things go back to normal because I feel like the reality of the situation won't really sink in.... does that all make sense? Sorry that was such a long rant.