Hi everyone,

I'm new to the forums - just found them today in desperation. I had a LOT going for me in my life, and most people I knew considered me really successful. However, about a year ago, things started going downhill. I lost my job (damn recession!), started fighting with my boyfriend (it's escalated to a horrible point), started drifting from friends (natural at my age, or so they say)... etc. Upshot is that I have been getting more and more depressed, and it's gotten so bad that I really feel like I have nothing going for me. I desperately need help. I was trying for a while to find a therapist, but was having trouble - my insurance isn't that good, and it was taking a lot of back-and-forth-missed-calls to actually get someone (I've had this problem before when I injured my knee - doctors in NYC are just really bad about getting back to you unless you're super persistent and have a lot of time on your hands).

Anyway, two weeks ago, in the midst of a depressed panic attack, I locked myself in my room crying, and my mom (who was visiting) got so scared that she called the police. They came and told me that if I didn't go willingly, they'd handcuff me and make me go... so I got myself together and went. The guys in the ambulance were really nice and told me that as long as I could hold it together like I was doing then, they'd probably let me go right away - that I was depressed, but clearly didn't need something like that. However, they brought me into the (locked) psych ward of the hospital, took all my things from me, and told me that I was there until they said I could go free. It was so very "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest," and I tried to tell that to the nurse on duty, hoping that the reference would show her that I was lucid/logical/smart/etc but just scared by the environment. I had NEVER been anywhere like that before, and I think it was fairly natural that I started panicking and crying - but of course that only made things worse. Frankly, I think it would have been more a sign of instability if I DIDN'T panic at the situation I was in, but they didn't see it that way. I sat up all night afraid to sleep - there weren't enough rooms for everyone, so I just had a cot in the hallway. The cot next to me had a guy masturbating all night long (yes, out in the open), and on the other side was a guy who kept hitting himself in the head and swearing. Meanwhile, down the hall was a girl who was screaming until they tied her down and sedated her.

I didn't want any meds to calm me down (I wasn't screaming but I was nervous and shaky), just because I usually almost never take meds unless it's something super serious (like if I have the flu, I typically try to cure it with rest/good food/etc instead of Nyquil). However, they threatened to tie me down and force me to take something if I didn't acquiesce. I later found out my mom (who had called and gotten me there in the first place) had told the doctor that she didn't want me to be given any drugs, but the doctor wouldn't listen to her and told her that she had absolutely no say in anything anymore... it was entirely up to the doctor what to do with me. They wouldn't even let me see my mom, because they said the other patients were too dangerous for my mom to be allowed in... yet I was in there locked up with them! The doctor was really unsympathetic to my situation, and made me a lot more distraught by taunting me by telling me that it was solely HER decision what to do with me and that no one else could help. She didn't talk to me about my problems (which I thought would be the one upside to being there), and just threw out random diagnoses without talking to me - which only scared me more.

I stayed up the whole night unable to sleep, despite the guards telling me it would only look worse that I didn't sleep. How was I supposed to sleep in that panic-inducing environment? Thank GOODNESS in the morning there was a different team of doctors on, and they listened to what I had to say when I rationally told them my story and why I was now scared. They discharged me that afternoon and set me up with an outpatient appointment with a therapist for later that week.

However, things are now even worse than before. I'm in a lot of trouble at work for missing that day - it was a really critical day at my job, and while no one can legally fault me for being in the hospital, everyone is really mad that I wasn't at work. They all had to stay really late to make up my portion, and other people were sick and came in, and while it's generally understandable that I was in the hospital, people are still pissed. None of my cubemates have spoken to me in the last week. If I say something, they ignore me.

I'm also being really self-destructive in pulling away from my friends/family. Only my parents and my boyfriend know about my hospital stay, and I'm scared to tell anyone else for fear of judgment. My friends USUALLY don't judge, but these are really extreme circumstances, and I was already feeling kind of distant from them, so it's not easy to just open up. While my mom has expressed regrets that I got sent to the hospital and has sworn never to do that again (when she saw the kind of place it was, she tried to get me out because she could rightly see that it was NOT what I needed in my condition, but they wouldn't let her - they said once I was there it was totally out of anyone's control except the doctor on duty), I'm scared to tell her my true feelings in case it changes her mind and results in me getting locked away again.

But worst of all, I'm now terrified of going to a psychologist/psychiatrist for exactly the same reasons. What if they put me back in the hospital? It is totally up to them, and there was actually another girl when I was there whose psychologist called the police and they came when she was sitting at home watching TV with her friends and took her away. The consequences of getting stuck there are SO huge and no matter how small the odds of that happening, I can't take a risk like that. I didn't want to hurt myself before, but when I was in there, I actually considered it because there was just NO WAY OUT. Right now I don't want to hurt myself at all, so to take a risk that could potentially put myself into that state is just out of the question.

My depression is getting worse and worse by the day, and that hospital visit unfortunately made it so much worse by taking away the ability for me to speak with friends/family or see a doctor. How can I get help??? How can I get over this phobia of doctors/hospitals??? I need help so badly but just "sucking it up" and seeing someone despite my fear is not something I am capable of doing.