Hi there... I am doing pretty good over all. The doctors appointment went amazingly well. I am still a bit surprisingly stunned actually. Of course the anxiety had me in tears but he saw me beyond the anxiety and made me feel hopeful about asking him to help me. There was lots of info stored on my computer records from previous attempts over the last decade of asking for help that I gave up on. He was very understanding of why things never worked out before. He was very patient too when I needed him to repeat the steps he was recommending. He didn't push meds on me but didn't rule it out as something I might want to consider when we got to that point. That alone helped to ease my fears and trust him if and when meds were going to be recommended. He reviewed with me the med treatment history I had consented to in the past and the reasons it didn't continue. He also told me that if and when I do opt to try meds again that there is a program that will pay for them even though my tax returns are not up to date. Aside from the fear of meds I thought the costs were prohibitive so that was very helpful. He is also going to make a referal to mental health now that a counsellor I saw and liked is back from a long term leave. He was amazing and really give me reason to hope that there is help out there for me.

When I finally found the social services office to apply for assistance I was happily surprised to be treated there with unexpected patience and kindness too. The receptionist gave me forms to complete and encouraged me to not worry about the job search component. Seeing how anxiety was impacting me just being there talking to her and since I had told her the doctor had suggested I apply as a person with multiple barriers she told me the first application for assistance would be fast tracked so that I could proceed with the multiple barriers application.

I almost felt like I was walking through a dream because everyone was being so helpful. It made me think about people on PC who talk positively about their doctors and the services they access and for the first time ever I got a taste of what support felt like. My doctor even made it possible for me to see him on a weekly basis until the other supports were in place. He even went with me to the front desk to tell the nurse receptionist to make the next appointment for Monday so that I wasn't told it would be a 2 or 3 week wait again which is the usual response when I phone for an appointment.

Tomorrow I go back to social services with all the information they need me to provide to proceed with the application. It has taken me all week to gather it together but thats okay. Just a few more documents to dig up today and I will be ready for my appointment. Its not like I have anything else to do so if it has taken me 4 days to do a job that might have taken the average person a few hours that's just the way it is and its okay.

Mostly it has been very humbling to find myself needing to ask for help especially financial assistance. I actually appreciate this as a good opportunity to face prejudices I didn't think were an issue for me. In my past life I worked with people in the shoes I am now walking in myself. It is an eye opener to be in their shoes. Learning to live with less is a good thing and asking for help doesn't have to mean I am weak or dangerously vulnerable to abuse or that I will be dependant on extra help forever.

It has been an interesting week of mixed emotions but mostly it has felt really good to know that I have the makings of a support team that really cares about me as a person. People who don't just flash the neon lights of problems that send me running the other way. Finally there are people who meet me where I am at and don't judge me or expect more from me than I can give or do when my symptoms are raging. It motivates me to want to let them help and to help myself more too. Its all good. I have hope.

Thanks for asking. I had meant to give this update but I guess a part of me has been afraid the bubble was going to burst and I didn't want to broadcast hope if history repeated itself and a wall went up somewhere that would send me running away again. I think now even if there is some obsticle put in my path I have a place to turn to help me over it. That is my hope.