Thanks. I just have to believe in better days to come. I can't allow myself to dwell on how things 'look' today. I was faced with another job opportunity today that a friend thought would be right up my alley. I almost went to the effort to send off a resume even though the number of obsticles flooded my brain. I didn't let myself obsess about all the obsticles. I told myself one step at a time. But then it hit me that my number one job right now is to get healthy. I have only just this week found a doctor whom I feel I can trust. I have only this week accepted that I need help beyond my own will and determination to fight or endure the effects of my symptoms alone. Even if I could convince myself that good self care could be enough to maintain employment and cope with the stress the job would require me to relocate and leave behind the supports I am just now beginning to connect with.
I really think I need to be working full time at getting well. As much as I am bored with not working maybe what I really need right now is to find a way to survive financially while I focus 100% on getting well. Even when I was working part time as a contractor the stress of meeting deadlines, dealing with people and chasing down new contracts consumed me, left little time to really take care of myself and probably just kept me sick or made me even sicker.

I have opted to see my job right now as that of getting well. Financially I may have to ask for help from my father and my son's father to top up what government assistance can provide. They have both offered to help me out financially if I need it. Pride has kept me from sharing my need with them. I know in my heart that they would be much happier to see me getting professional help even if it means giving me some money for a few months than watching me continue on as I am. It has been nearly 10 years since I was employed or even considered I would ever be employable again. I thought once I gave in to disability assistance that I would be stuck there forever. Seems I am now able to see it as assistance meaning help for a time of healing and not a lifetime lifestyle.

what do you think? Am I just making an excuse to not try to get a job when one is put in front of me or am I starting to make some sense and getting my priorities straight? Deadline for the job is tomorrow so I could still throw my name in the ring and ignore my fears and doubts and all the zillion obsticles involved if that is all that is holding me back. Have I developed over these years false rationales about my employability and allowed my fears to paralyze me and make me think I am too sick to work full time or am I showing some signs of hope that with the right help and treatment I can actually get my life back again. I don't want to keep hiding but I don't want to do something I am not ready for. Just don't know if I'm not ready because of irrational fears that have become habitual and controlling or because its more than all that and overcoming what ails me needs all of my time and attention for a while.

I sit here flip flopping because I don't think I have ever given myself permission to believe my life would ever again be anything more than coping.

Maybe I am not making any sense right now. I am really tired from doing some running around this morning gathering information for my assistance application. Energy level still so limited and the effort of coping still so draining. At the same time I find myself really bored with out some work pressure to obsess about. Yet I have no energy to do other things that I now have the time for. sorry.... rambling.....