I've already been told by my lawyer that taping conversations is legal, as long as one of you knows it's happening. I'm just afraid to hear how upset I get when I talk to him. I'm afraid the court would say that I'm unstable and unfit to raise my kids because I can't calmly talk to this guy.

I'm upset because when we got mediation papers they said that if there was abuse in the relationship, mediation wouldn't happen. Of course that only applies to physical abuse since it's easier proven. Emotional abuse is based on each other's "perceptions." I perceive him as abusive. He does not. Yet he refuses to go to post-divorce counseling. Why? Is he afraid of having a third party witness the accusations who can say something about it? The mediator wasn't a counselor, so he couldn't say anything, so of course I could throw out all the accusations I wanted and I got met with a "shirley, shirley, shirley, this can't be discussed here."

If he's so insistent that he's right and I'm wrong, why won't he go with me to a mental health professional to learn how to deal with each other in a rationale manner?

Maybe I should just tuck my tail between my legs and say he's right, he's always been right, and I'm just too stubborn to admit I made a mistake by not listening and not supporting him enough. I know I can't do that, but I have momentary thoughts that tell me to lie, no matter how hard it is.

All I wanted was for things to be fair, not drag my kids into this hateful emotional war. Makes me even angrier with myself for not fighting right away and waiting 4 years.