So... this past year I have been more or less living a lie at home, telling my dad that things are ok at university... no mention of depression, self harm, major problems coping with university etc. This year is my second attempt at university, since the first time I had to pull out since I was in a suicidal depression and was hardly able to do anything. Until I was hospitalized then, in Feb 2004, my dad had had no idea about my depression, and he put it down to me being a sullen teenager (at nineteen??) Anyway, it gave him a big shock and he found out about the depression and self harm as well.

"Why didn't you tell me what was wrong?" he asked me. For a start, I hadn't even known I had depression until about a month before my hospitalization. And even if I had told him, I doubt it would have helped since he believes that depression can be banished by will power and positive thinking. All last summer I wondered whether or not I was still depressed, uncertain about whether or not I was truly happy, and not telling him about those days when I felt down. Though I think a big pointer that says that I was still depressed last summer was that I was still thinking about suicide.

In September, I started university again and I was very pleased because this time I would be able to live in rather than stay at home and commute like I had the previous academic year. However my re-starting university had strings attached. "If you make a mess of this year like you did last year, that's it, I'm not paying for your university again. If you don't want to go to university, then I'm not paying for you to be able to swan around doing nothing." He expects me to go to university, get a First (highest class of degree qualification) and then go on to get a good job. I have also got high expectations from my other relatives I am in contact with, since I am the first person in my whole family to go to university. My dad also says that nobody is perfect, yet he seems to expect me to be just that .

By mid-October, the depression had come back and gradually worsened over the winter, though I was in regular counselling at university. I let assignments and classes slip by. After Christmas, my motivation and depression worsened and stayed quite bad even until I finished the academic year in June.

In July I got the results of my exams back: I had failed nearly all of my classes. Unlike in America, the rule at my university is that all the exams have to be passed before being able to get into the second year. So I don't know I will even be allowed back to university this year. the term starts in less than a month.

The big question here is: how to tell him all this? I'm undecided how I should explain it to him and I'm also frightened of his reaction. Things are really not going to be pleasant and I'm not sure how I'll be able to cope. I'm already SI-ing and his own anger and behaviour towards me will worsen my depression. Not only that but I will also have to cope with being at work (I work part-time in a supermarket in the holidays) and will have to act happy and whatever for the customers, which is really quite hard to do, especially when time drags by and a day at work feels like I've been working 24 hours. I could write a letter to him I suppose. The problem is that he interprets things as though I do things on purpose when they're by accident and he will probably think that: (a) I'm using depression as an excuse. (b) I don't care about university and i never cared, (c) I'm saying I'm depressed so I don't have to go to work and start earning money like everybody else, and instead leech money off him.

None of those are true but I can't help think that this time he might in fact withdraw all financial support from me. He's paying the accommodation fees. The full tuition fees are paid for by the local education authoriity because we are a low income household. I've earned money from working at the supermarket but if I had to pay all costs at university, it would involve taking out loans which are possible of course. But it would be his whole attitude towards me that makes things worse, he kind of 'freezes me out'. The rest of my family know not to upset him, but when I get in trouble with him, I have to live with him and it’s a rather upsetting experience, though I’m also more sensitive than the rest of my family too and feel hurt quite easily, which doesn’t help me.

Another thing that hinders me is my own denial of reality. I hadn’t realized it was this until I was talking with somebody a few weeks back and they gave how I’ve been feeling a name.The denial goes along the lines of just not believing things are happening, such as when I’m at university, not feeling that an exam is due to take place, and not feeling like I should be really there when I’m sitting in the exam hall. Consequently I feel very little anxiety about things like that. It’s also similar to a fog over my understanding of this summer, since although it’s about three weeks away that the autumn semester starts, it feels to me that summer will continue forever. My birthday is in November and it feels like it’s about 10 years away. This means it’s very hard for me to plan for things since even the next day seems very much in the future and nothing to be concerned about.

Anyway, if you’ve read as far as this, well done! You’ve probably forgotten what I asked by now, since I’ve wandered so far . I’d appreciate suggestions as to how to approach this problem, and how to cope as well. Thanks for taking the time to read this .