I will try but the meeting today didn't go well. I may not qualify for assistance because my income taxes are not up to date so I can't prove my self employment income for the last 12 months. In addition it seems my doctor is ill informed about the persons with multiple barriers option. One needs to be on basic assistance and actively be looking for work for a year before they can qualify for multiple barriers. Attend career development workshops and prove that I was actively searching for work with at least 3 potential employer signatures per week. A note from the doctor will only go so far. I need to provide proof that I have been receiving treatment including attending counselling for at least the last three months to be excluded from the job search requirement.

The option of applying for disabilities right off is closed too since my taxes in arrears. If and when I do get them up to date the worker told me it can take 6 months for the application to be processed. They are not processed locally but at the ministry office in the capital.

Obsticles, complications and at best delays was the theme of the meeting today. Delayed denials. The only credit I can give myself is that I didn't run away in the middle of it all. I wanted to. I saw myself getting up and leaving when she went to photocopy stuff. I saw myself rage and ripe up her office. I saw myself throwing the chair through the window. I talked myself through it while I hooked my arms into the arms of the chair to keep from acting out.

I am totally wasted from the effort of the 90 minute meeting. At the end when she gave me more forms to sign I admitted I had no mind to make sense of anything they said but I signed them anyways.

My head is exploding. My body is fuzzy with exhaustion. I only feel half present.

I see the doc again on Monday. This day is wasted but maybe tomorrow I can try again to make sense of my taxes. I would prefer to die and be spared any more of any of this but I have a son and I won't do to him what my mother did to me. I won't abandon him. But for him I would give up this fight. Its just too much today. The light is gone today.