this is a bit of a long moan, i'm afraid, so bear with me - it's more to do with physical stuff, but it is highly likely that the problem has been caused by various meds and confinement in psych wards - apparently...

today i had to see yet another hip doctor. my normal one was away so i got to see her colleague. he did the usual stuff, moving my leg to see what was painful and then prodding my joint to see when i yelped. i yelped a lot. and moving my leg hurt too. when i was in france, negotiating the 40ft of mountainside you have to deal with to get to a spot to sit by the river, i slipped - only a tiny tiny bit, my right foot caught some loose earth, but it was at a really weird angle and ever since the bottom of my hip (where my leg joins my bottom, but really far inside) has been agony - to sit on as well as standing. he had more of a prod when i told him this.

when the doctors prod the joint to see how bad it is - it's like this: you know when you have a really really nasty bruise and you put the end of your thumb on it and push down really hard? (if not, try it) - that's what it's like, but more intense. so basically really painful - i squealed!

he said he reckons that the slip, due to the angle, has damaged my *something unpronounceable* joint, the one that joins my hip to my back (anyone who knows what this is called, please tell me! i think it begins with S). he said i'll need urgent physio to get it back to useability - he wants me to have 4 sessions before i go away (a week today, ie weds) but his colleague in physio only has 2 sessions available. so i've got them. i suspect it will be very sore...

also, he said my hip was generally in pretty poor shape and offered me another steroid injection. i said i don't like having them, even though they help, and he said "well, you don't have to" but since i'm going to be walking and sitting down a lot in russia, i'd rather it was as good as it could be before i go. so i opted for the jab. he gave me a bigger dose than normal so it helps more.

*don't read next bit if squeamish*


the trouble is the needle goes into the joint, that hurts, then the medicine goes in, you can feel it running through the joint and - well i'm sure you all know what it feels like when the medicine from an injection goes in, it's quite painful - and then they have to rub it to make sure it goes everywhere, so they push really hard (cue more yelping). then as you get a bus or whatever home, it kind of sinks to your bottom, and the more you sit, the more your arse starts to ache. which is really uncomfortable. it's like that thing when you knock your thigh or bottom against a sharp corner on furniture, that kind of deep pressure feeling. so i fidget all night, and if i lie in bed on the right side, it moves to that area and same thing happens. it's very odd. this continues for about 2 days, then, finally, it begins to relieve the pain.


*end squeamish bit*

after that, my hip seems to be fine for a few weeks. then it begins to be a bit sore and the more i do stuff, the worse it gets. and this is what is bothering me. these injections are private - they cost a fortune. i actually got a referral to an NHS rheumatologist as i had all over aches, my neck wouldn't move and my hips were sore - he took a very cursory look, i was there about 10 mins, and then said "well, i think it's depression, there's nothing i can do".

i was so angry - basically i've had depression in various guises ( i was dxed with bipolar I at 23) since i was 11 - that's 18 years. i know what it feels like for me. i realise it can have physical manifestations but i've never had them in 18 years, it's always come on in the same way and felt the same way. i know that, for me, this wasn't depression - he was suggesting the pain was in my head, but it felt very real to me, and my neck actually woudn't move.

my mum has a thing called fibro myalgia, which is kind of like arthritis but involves different joint issues and intense tiredness. it's similar to M.E and it's hereditary. the docs told me they thought i had ME last year, and these joint issues were really like my mum's, so for the doc to just dismiss it was a little stupid.

i went to mum's rheumatologist, and she gave me a very thorough exam - it turns out not to be FM but something simliar, related to the fact that i had so many flu etc last year and more tellingly, related to my medication. she said the problem with psych hospitals (and i agree) is that they give sedatives to calm the mind, but when you're manic, the energy just gets stored, if you're sedated. if you can't burn it off, you get more and more tense. she said my back is so tight it's ridiculous, and that explains my neck spontaneously stopping working, and it explains why my shoulders and hips have been affected. my hips have bursitis, which is like a sac of fluid that collects, swells and puts pressure on the joint. hence the pain. the injections are cortisone - steroid - but they do work. and i have fairly regular physio for my back and neck, which also works, if temporarily.

so, what i'm bothered about is this:

1: the jabs are really expensive
2: the jabs hurt like hell
3: the more i have them the less time they seem to work - i was having them every 2-3 months, now it's about every 4-6 weeks
5: i know they are damaging me, really, as steroids aren't that great, really
6: but they're the only thing that works, and i don't know of a long term solution

ok, sorry to moan about this but it's getting me down a bit. not enough to be a problem, but i kind of dread seeing the doc for these injections, and then i dread the injections wearing off again and it's not nice. i'm really hoping i'll be ok in russia