I am sorry that you are hurting so bad and, afraid of both, yourself and letting people know the truth. It sounds to me like you really need to confide in someone and get help. You aren't weak. To be able to operate at all through the crushing weight of all of this is a testament to that. For most everyone that feels the way you do, getting help is the only way to get better. I know with the stigma that has been associated with mental health can be a scary thing to have to face. But is it better then where you are now? I hope you take the time to really think about your options. Sometimes when I am in the worst of it I don't feel like i have any but there are. Please be safe.