To quote Jim Morrison, I've been down so ---damn long, that it looks like up to me.

I've been trying to fix things. I admit, I haven't been trying hard enough and I've taken a few steps backwards. I started taking lexapro, and I didn't stick with it. I scheduled a therapist appointment and canceled it at the last minute. I keep telling myself it's all in my head, I can beat it. I tell myself if I can't conquer my own mind, how will I ever survive in the real world. I beat myself up for being weak on the inside which only makes it worse. I go through the motions, wake up, shower, hop on my computer and look for work. I've been running more lately and trying to hit the gym more often. None of it is really making a difference though. None of it gives me any joy. I can't remember the last time I genuinely smiled or really took an interest in something. I'm doing these things because other people tell me it will help and make me feel better, but I realize now that it's really not.

I thought that I had been doing better recently. I thought I was feeling better about myself. But that's not it, I'm just settling into this stagnant worthless lifestyle. The longer I've been unemployed, single and for the most part friendless, the easier it is for me to accept it. I don't WANT this, but I can't stop it. I just keep feeding into it. Everytime I turn on the TV it's a story about the unemployment rate, soaring deficit, college grads working at burger king because they can't find a job in their field. Seeing it just makes me say to myself "if someone with those credentials can't find work you're really screwed". Everywhere I look it just seems like a dead end. So I crawl back into my shell and cross my fingers hoping for a miracle that will never come.

I know I need to start therapy, and I know I need to stick with meds. I'm too proud, I look at myself as weak and insignificant for having to rely on pills and a person that will analyze my pathetic existance and nod his head and basically say "Yep, you are pretty screwed up". But I need it, I know I need it I just don't want to do it. Part of me believes if I find work this will all go away but deep down I know even when I was working, had a girlfriend and was going out very often, I was still pretty empty inside. Honestly for years I've just felt unfulfilled and unhappy, I've just learned how to deal with it I guess. I'm contently miserable and it scares the hell out of me. I don't want that to define my life.

I've also self medicated a few times recently. It's incredibly stupid, and I hadn't done it in a long time, but I bought some weed the other day and yeah, my mind was "clear" for a few hours. Obviously by clear I mean non-existant. I'm not going to continue that, I already feel like an idiot for doing it I can't keep going with it. Just wanted some sort of release, some sort of freedom. I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy it, but I won't be doing it anymore.

I know this is just another one of my pointless rant posts. I know it's not gonna change anything but I had to write something. I want to make a promise to myself that I'll stick with the therapy and meds but I don't know if I can keep it. It feels like that's the only missing piece to the puzzle but I just don't want to do it. I dunno.