i have been overweight since i was on anti-depression when i was younger, after i was taken off them the weight just never went away so i have always had the 'i'm fat' type of mind set. well 3 years ago i started to get sick, malabsorption and low B12 which cause alot of weight loss...and now things are just out of control!

i have not admitted this to anyone real life (online feels safer) but i am scared of being over weight again, when i was diagnosed with bipolar i said i would never take any medication that caused weight gain, i would rather be dead then over weight again! now after i eat i just think about the weight gain from it and feel terrible about eating so much. i am curently eating very limited food, closer to starvation really which is the 2nd time i did this in the last few months and i am happy about what i am doing. happy...i am happy i am starving myself? i should be able to stop myself but i can't.

it was suggested by someone on another board i could be on my way to a ED/already have one..but i don't know, maybe i need to hear a few more people before i even bring it up with my doctor. i am worried, still have malabsorption issues, already on a restricted gluten-free diet due to GI issues after i eat it, really do not need anything more. is the fact i am aware of my behaviors mean i am just making it all up somehow...