Okay so this is kind of awkward to talk about but it's been bothering me lately so I wanted to talk about it.

I am 20 years old and still a virgin. I made the decision on my own to abstain from sex (I have many reasons, none of which are religious) I am a virgin because I chose to be for the time being. But I still am somewhat embarrassed to admit it to people. I feel as though I am the only virgin in my college and that people judge me because of it. The only other girls I know who are virgins are strong religious people who are waiting for marriage. I have done really everything else, just not actual sex and I wonder if maybe I'm waiting for no reason.

lately I just really want to go ahead and just do it, But a big thing is I worry sex will become another coping mechanism for me. In the past year I've started hooking up with guys way more often that I used to. and by that I mean I really used to only hook up with guys I was dating and that is definitely not the case now. What's been happening so far is I hook up with a guy a couple times but when he finds out I won't sleep with him he just ends things there, or wants to sleep with someone else but still do things with me, which I am not in to. It's hard to explain but it's like sometimes I feel so invisible, I feel like I'm disappearing but when I'm kissing someone or touching someone it's like I'm not invisible because it's like so much contact with another person, it's like another person really noticing me, it makes me feel real, it's hard to explain. and I have some major issues with my body but like if a guy likes my body and notices it in a good way it makes me feel good and I want that. So I'm worried if I have sex it'll be the same thing you know? like I'll just keep doing it just to help me cope with my feelings and it'll stop meaning anything and it'll end up just hurting me.

Also I feel like after 20 years I've waited too long to just do it with anyone. I don't know, I'm confused, I'm almost worried to even post this because I worry people will think I'm stupid for being a 20 year old who has never had sex.