I can see where you feel confused. Sexuality and relationships are different. By that I mean that you can have a relationship with someone of the opposite gender, want sexual relations with them but still have a desire to find pleasure with someone of the same gender as yourself.

You talked about past sexual relations with other males and you seemed to express pleasure from them. As we grow up, we look for those things that give us the greatest amount of pleasure. From what you described, your first experience with the opposite gender resulted in confusion because you weren't sure that you were preforming correctly. I'm guessing that you were around 8 at the time.

You were still a little too young to see the outcome as anything that gave you pleasure. She was old enough to know what gave her sexual gratification where you were still trying to figure out exactly what makes you feel good. You found instant gratification with males but (and I can only wonder) with females you didn't. You might have pleasured her but not yourself.

Today, you are in a committed relationship with a female. I hope that I'm not prying to far but feel the need to ask several questions. You only have to answer these to yourself. Have you attempted to have sexual relations with her? And if so, was it pleasurable for you? Do you feel that you are truly looking for an emotional relationship? Or could you be looking for answers to unasked questions that you have about yourself?

You may be looking at gay porn because that is what you have learned over the years to be pleasurable for you. It is normal for you to look at this as a way of self gratification. Male on male sex was something that you did the most and now you want to experience male and female sexual relations without fear. I will say this, there are more males out there that started their sexual lives with other males but will never allow anyone to ever find out.

You are now at that age where you are looking more toward a long term relationship with someone that you can feel comfortable with and can enjoy sex with. You may find that you will slowly turn away from gay to exclusively male and female sexual encounters.

Remember this, we learn from an early age what makes us feel good. As we age, we discover new pleasures that we need to address. You may find later on in life that overpowering feeling that you need to relive early pleasure. It usually comes on us when stress is overpowering.

Look around you and see that sexual confusion isn't in just you. If you are open and honest with your girlfriend, you may find that she may have questioned her sexuality at one time or another. Talk to your cousin about his feelings about sex. Is he strictly gay or does he also got out with women? The biggest thing about a relationship is communications.