For months I was way down in the dumps - since 11/7 when I broke my arm and couldn't do anything! The holidays were coming up, my favorite time of the year and I was a grinch... I just didn't care. I managed to do my shopping on line and no have to leave my house (which is good as I have agoraphobia besides be bi-polar). I was a wreck and tried my best to hide it for my husaband and son. So last week all of a sudden, after 3 months of deep depression and thinking of suicide, I suddenly felt better! I was happy, laughing, almost giddy with happieness!! Then wham, on Wedneday I feel back down into the pit of darkness and hell. I've been contemplating suicide and have the pills I need stashed - I almost gave them to my husband today, but at the last minute put them back in their hiding place. The idea of suicide use to scare me - but it doesn't anymore - I can almost feel the peace it will bring me... I'm not ever upset that the thought of doing it doesn't scare me anymore or cause me to reach out for help... It just feels right... I don't plan on doing anything right now, but I'm afraid that I will, maybe the next time the depression just gets too much to bare again. I hate the depression - it sucks the life out of me and leaves me a zombie - not caring about anything or anyone. I have become good at hiding my feelings - I don't want to worry my husband or son as they have thier own issues and jobs to do. I don't work as I cant leave the house. I don't even want to do my favorite things - when my husband tries to force me to do my scrapbooking which I use to love, I get very upset and which he would just leave me alone - but I smile and do it...all the while fuming inside, ready to explode. Instead I just cry in private. I'm almost out of tears... I just don't have the strength I use to have to keep on battleing this bi-polar issue... WHY CANT THE HIGHS LAST AS LONG AS THE DEPRESSION???? It's just not fair!!
I see my psych next week and I already know that I won't tell him the truth - I have to go alone and I'm scared already. I'll just tell him I'm fine and leave with another 3 months worth of prescriptions.... I'm so lonely with no one to talk to about this... I journal, but it doesn't help anymore. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up again.... I just don't want to be anymore. I want peace... I want peace...