I am not sure why but I have been gone for a long time. Not even sure how long. But I had a bad day and was reminded by a friend that I am not alone. It feels like I am. I had a bad thing happen at work and it hit a big trigger for me. It sent me in a tail spin and gave me a full blown anxiety attack. My AA sponser told me that I handled it wrong and that I am taking things too personal. I thought she would understand triggers but I guess not. I keep fazing in and out and can't stop shaking or crying. I keep trying to push it away but as soon as I think i will be ok it all comes russhing back in like a tidal wave. I just want to take some pills and go to bed and hide from it all but, something keeps me from doing that.

It was a good day till about 1230. I was at a table with some of the other leads and sups that I work with. This sup said she had something to tell us and that she was just going to be blunt. We were like ok what. She said that in a meeting she and the other sups had with management somethings were brought up and some names were called out. We were like what are you talking about. She looked at me and told me that the head of our airport the FSD or head honcho has been having round table meetings with the officers we work with and that some names were put out as not doing thier job. She told me that these officers told the FSD that I just stand at the xray posistion and bad mouth everyone and dont work and dont do my team rotations right and that I need to be dissaplined by the sups for not doing my job right. This is the first I have heard this complaint. Just about 2 weeks ago the AFSD (assistant to the boss) told me that I work to hard and need to stand back and direct the officers more and bag searrch less. Im like ok but now I am being told that I dont do my job. I have not changed anything. I go to work I support my team and lead by example and do the rotations like the management want with allowed minor changes to allow for what the officers want. The AFSD came down over a month ago and said we were only to do our rotations every half hour and the officers were to no longer see the rotations we were to tell them where and when to rotate. This was not recieve well at all. After enough officers came to me with complaints and hard feelings I sent out a letter to the management telling them the effects of the change. the AFSD called me in to dissucss it. and basically told me that things would not change and that I was supposed to support the change and get the officers to feel the same. Well he also said that no one has complained to him about it and wanted to know why I was the one comig forward and not the officers. So later that day I was on the lanes and he came out to observe. One of the officers said she would love to tell him what she felt when I said he wanted to know why the officers did not tell him. I told her go now let him know how you feel. She did and the next day he called an impromptu meeting with several officers. Well that meeting led to a meeting between him and us leads. There he said that things were being missinturpated. The rotattion can be down how ever we want to do them and that the officers could see it and that we were to still make sure the rotations were done every half hour. I am like ok that I can work with and that is what I have done. I fill out my private list and keep a seperate one for the officers that is updated every half hour. But if someone needs to know something I can still answer thier questions. I still try to lead by example in that I work because I am part of a team and expect my officers to work. I dont expect my officers to do something that I wont do. But now there is this personal attack out of no where. It hit me and hard. It dreges up old feelings that I buried years ago. I feel like the work I do means nothing and that I am alone and i am inadiquit at my job. My sponser says that I am taking it to personal and that I should have stayed at work and just sucked it up because no one is perfect. She said that bosses in her past have said things that were mean and she did not leave because she got upset. I feel like i have been thrown under a bus and run over a few times. I dont know who to trust or what to do. I dont know what will happen tomorrow when I get there. and I dont know how I will handle all the questions I know will be asked from all levels. I just want to hide and not feel anything. This is the way I felt when I was drinking and when I cut. neither of which i want to do but I feel compled to do it. I am so lost and my anxiety level is off the scale.

anyway I have taken enough of your time so I will bow out and wait for the meds to kick in.

diana