Jenn,

You sound a lot like me. I've had depression pretty much my whole life too. Usually it has been just kind-of dull but not out of control, but there have been exceptions to that. The first time I went to counseling one of my roommates in college referred me. I was so nervous about it, and I had no idea what I was supposed to say - what was important - what was okay to talk about. I went there and just pretty much sat and didn't say much at all. It took me ten years and five different counselors before I ever (a) found the right one, and (b) started talking about the things that mattered. I always thought I really shouldn't be depressed - my life wasn't that bad compared to other people I knew of. But there were still things I needed to talk about and there still are.

What made the difference? First of all, my current therapist asked the right questions from the beginning, which allowed him to find out what my main problems really were, and also gave me an idea of the things that were relevant - a whole lot more than I had thought before. He used a written packet of questions he put together, that he uses with all of his new clients - fill it out and bring it back kind of thing. Maybe you could ask your counselor if he has anything like that. Or just tell him that you need some help knowing where to start and what kinds of things to talk about. Also mention that you have been shutting off your emotions and trying not to think too much. That's worth talking about right there.

It's still hard for me to bring up topics that I need to talk about in therapy. We've reached an understanding that I don't like the "How are you doing?" question, but he always starts off with that anyway and I always say okay, but now he knows to follow it up with, "Are you really?" because my "okay" doesn't mean anything. If I have a big issue to talk about I'm nervous and it's really hard to bring it up, but if I don't really have anything significant, I'm nervous about that too. Even though I have liked this therapist from the beginning and finally felt understood, it's just hard. We spent a huge amount of time just sitting there waiting for me to be able to think of something to say or to be able to say what I needed to. The thing that finally made a difference was when I wrote him a letter and brought it and then we could talk about it. Now we use e-mail. He doesn't answer e-mail very well, but I write to him and then he knows what I need to talk about it, so it's there and not so hard for me to bring it up verbally.

I hope some of this helps you. Having a counselor you feel comfortable with is so important. Welcome!
-Wendy

<font color=red>"Striving for excellence motivates you; striving for perfection is demoralizing." -Harriet Braiker</font color=red>