Hi. Sorry about what you've been going through. The high is not all it's cut out to be. My high always has a nagging reminder that I'll definitely crash sometime, but the lows are weird. When i'm depressed it's like i'll never feel different, ever, but eventually i do. I'm in a funny place myself and i totally understand the urge to give up. I feel like everything i try to do by way of personal development amounts to alternating highs and lows. Like it comes down to rituals to maintain a balance i can work with. That's not how i planned to live..

And it makes me want to cry. But I don't, because i feel ten times worse after crying.

It's hard but it's better than before. Talk to your doc about it, u may need a higher dose of what ur on, then try to find your personalized rhythm for life.