Hi guys.. I am new here.. but certainly not new to depression. My ex left me 8 yrs ago for my brothers fiancee. (She was like a sister for 4 yrs, part of the family) He married her a yr later and then decided to sue me for custody of my kids a couple yrs after that. Went on for 2 yrs and cost me more than u can imagine. Ruined my credit.. my life. She is a crazy, alcoholic who hates me (insecurity mostly I would imagine) and has done nothing but harrass me and instigated severe parental alienation for many many yrs. My kids are older now... and all speaking to me. There were a couple yrs they didn't (some of the hardest in my life). My ex has never spoken nicely to me in all these yrs.. because of her.. he can't. She freaks if he even thinks of talking decent to me. The thing is... I cannot.. even after all these yrs.. stop thinking about him. I love him still even with all the awful things he has put me through. We were together for 11 yrs and I wonder.. will I EVER stop this?? Haven't had any relationships really since him, even tho I am a good looking woman w/a great personality. I have had many health problems... in last 20 yrs.. approx 15 major laparotomies, 2 fusion cages in spine, heart probs: atrial fibrillation, PFO, and ASA (atrial septal wall aneurysm) with a metal stint in to close left atrial appendage a yr ago. Very high risk for stroke/heart attack. 3 inch plate w/13 screws in left wrist and .. well.. all of this and more. I don't know how to stop obsessing/thinking about him?? I live on west coast.. He is in midwest and we don't talk.. he won't even talk about the kids welfare.. ever, in all these years. Every song.. every thought is about him. He is unhappy with her.. has told me so, but hasn't left yet. I sometimes feel that when he left, he took part of me with him.. FOR REAL. There is a burning inside of me that aches.. I think if you lifted my heart to your ear... you could hear the ocean. I went into a severe depression for a couple of yrs at least.. (was less than 100 lbs and not much more now even) and lost all my desires to do any of the things I used to enjoy doing.. cooking, reading... etc. I refuse to go on antidepressants... (bad for me.. bad reactions, didn't like how they made me feel) so that's out. Went to a psychiatrist for a few visits couple yrs ago.. nothing. HOW DO I GET OUT Of this funk?? Will I ever stop loving/thinking about him?? HELP please.. someone. I can't sleep.. maybe 3 hours in 5 nights. It's certainly not getting any better?