sanityseeker, I really appreciate you taking the time to talk about this with me.
I guess what upset me the most is that I'm bipolar and I suffer very severe depression during my down times. In fact, the depressions last way, way longer than any up periods for me. This is something that I have struggled with since early childhood (I'm 34 now and my symptoms started--that I remember--around 5 or 6--I know this from reading my journals from that time in my life). I digress. I started treatment (a combo of therapy and medications) in early 2005. I have taken about 2 dozen different medicines, probably 10-12 of those antidepressants, and I have "treatment" resistant depression (according to my pdoc). I am completely aware that most of the meds I take do NOTHING to change my problems, but I would honestly like to believe help is possible. In a way, I guess I've always suspected that I am not responding to the meds the way my pdoc claims I should be, but I continue to take his advice and try another and another and another...looking for that "just right" combo. I have a hard time remaining compliant with my meds specifically because the negative side effects far-far outweigh the positive effects for me. But I sincerely try. Because I don't want to live on a rollercoaster. I want to be NORMAL (or whatever is close to that). I want to have a job and friends and be able to do things like leave my house without having to go through the crap I go through to make it possible for me mentally. Everyone is constantly repeating "are you on your meds?", "did you take your meds?", "what meds are you on?". I want to be better, but its like the article takes away this slim hope I have that one day I'll find the right combo and I'll be able to function again. I hate feeling like I am part of an elaborate science experiment that I never get positive benefits from it.