I've been debating leaving the site, not because I want to, but because I just can't bring myself to offer anyone else support. I feel selfish because I can't give anything back right now. It's been like this for months, mostly because of this court fight that I intentionally started, not realizing it would become this ugly. I can only see a bad outcome because of my inability to communicate effectively with a man who insists he's not abusive in any way. He called today and left a message on the answering machine. It was vague, just said to call him on his cell phone. If it's about something innocent, he always mentions what he needs to talk to me about, so now I'm worried he's going to be threatening in some way, telling me he won't let my son come for his week with me or something. My arms and face went numb, my pulse picked up, I felt dizzy and spaced out, just at hearing his voice on my machine. He scares me and I want to just avoid him altogether.

I'm afraid I'm borderline because of how I behave when I have to deal with my ex. I get in fight or flight mode, can't cope, can't think straight, can't even put together a coherent thought. I'm always on the defense, on edge, waiting to lash out. I always feel cornered by him. If I'm not feeling cornered, because he's acting "nice" at the moment, then I feel that he's trying to manipulate me by making me think I'm doing what I want instead of what he wants. He's a master at word play to get you to agree with him, and if you refuse to agree then you're just stupid, incompetent, stubborn, whatever.

I want to be supportive of others, but I just don't know what to say any more. I can't even offer support to women in the same position as me because I'm in this limbo of zero forward progress, so I can't give any encouraging words. Maybe when it's all said and done I'll be telling women not to fight, to just give in and do what's demanded of them or they'll never see their kids again, just lay down and roll over and take the punishment, forget regaining pride or power. Once it's gone, it's gone.