Probably all of us have had suicidal thoughts at some time. I had a plan and wrote letters - one to my son, one to my family and one to my friends. I still have them and confessed that to my therapist last time I saw her. She was not happy. I also have saved all the meds I am no longer on. I didn't tell her that. I used to cut myself and still have razor blades tucked away. I tried to explain to her that somehow it is comforting to know that if it gets any worse or if I go into the darkness and don't come out, I can stop it all. Then again, I have a very strong faith that gives me all kinds of reasons to fight to stay alive. I have always told those who love me to love me enough to let me go, to want this hell to be over for me. They of course want to save me. Right now I am in a better place than I have been in a long time. I hope you get there soon. Hold on to the fact that it will get better. You have a family who loves you. Just keep trying to find the treatment that is right for you but it starts with being honest with your doctors.