see him on thurs morning - it's tues midnight right now, so only ~36hrs to go. i don't even really want to see ausiin-t (i want pdoc ) but austin-t is who i'm booked with and i am taking anything i can get right now.

update since fri/sat night:
- more creepy stuff at night time, but duh, this was to be expected. no big deal.
- got my degree posted in the mail today; yay but the certificate is hella ugly.
- new bed won't arrive for a week at least, so i'm stuck at home until then.
- got keys to place today; the rooms are sooooo size discrepant and i got depressed because i didn't want the smaller one, so i offered to pay more for the larger. we flipped a coin in the end, and i still 'won' the larger one, and i said i'd still pay more, but i still feel bad for getting the better one. i'm really sad right now and i'm feeling guilty; like i somehow tricked my friend - she was so nice and maybe she felt pressured when i offered to pay extra. i don't know what to do with this guilt. i feel like i've already set up a bad dynamic for the rest of the year, and i don't want to lose a friend over this. my parents say offer to pay more (my room *is* a lot larger, and this is probably fair) but my friend was uncomfortable with us not splitting evenly to begin with, and i'm scared to push the issue.
- i'm tired and stressed from everything lately, and i'm beginning to not cope very well. got home and spent a long time self harming. i need to go to bed now but i have to wake up and 'do' tomorrow too. everything feels like an effort right now, and i'm fighting hard to keep this together, but i'm not sure i can do it. i wish i could just pay my friend out and stay at home. i dont want to do this anymore.
- which brings me back to: i really just want pdoc right now. i dont even want him to say anything, just let me sit in his room and feel ok for a little while.