Today my ex called me, we spoke for about 2 hours. Things started off like just a regular conversation, how are you, what are you up to, you know the usual. Things moved on to us talking about our breakup. The reasons, the conditions, a lot of the things I wanted to say that I never really got to say. I'm still in love with her, I still think about her every day. I try to convince myself otherwise, I tell people otherwise and a lot of the time it's true but there hasn't been a day since we broke up that I haven't thought of her. I tried to keep things on a friendship level but I couldn't hold back. I spilled my guts about how I felt our breakup was so abrupt, without any real chance of repairing it. I talked about our memories, our plans, our hopes and dreams. I spoke of some of the things she had said to me, about how no guy had ever treated her how I did, how she knew she would never find anyone that loved her as much as I did. I just got every little bit of emotion out of my head that I had been holding onto these past 3 months since we stopped talking. We spoke once before today, but not like this.

Anyway, it got to the point where she started to cry, she said she couldn't keep talking about this. She kinda rushed off the phone, but it really left me confused. I can't help but think after todays conversation that she still has feelings for me, and if I really do my best to show her that it's worth repairing we can repair it. But now that I've finally got everything out of my head, I don't know how to feel. She put me through a lot of mental anguish, the breakup destroyed a lot of my confidence and really made me question my own self worth. I'm finally starting to get my confidence and belief in myself back now, and I'm doing it without her. I know I still love her, but I don't know if I really want to get back with her.

I've worked to try to forget her and try to get over it but after this call it feels like all of that work has vanished. Granted, we only got off the phone 30 minutes ago so this is all still fresh in my head and may disappear soon. I guess I'm kinda just wrestling with the idea that there really is a chance of us getting back together, when for these past 3 months I was 100% sure we are done for good and I should get over it and move on. I don't know how to feel, I'm happy we had this conversation, I'm happy I got all of this off my chest, I'm confused with her reaction to our conversation and now I'm sad about our breakup all over again. So many mixed emotions. Not sure there is any advice I'm really expecting, I just REALLY had to write down what was going on in my head at the moment.

So confused