copy and paste of an email I sent to my best friend today. We were having a conversation about therapy and various issues and this finally came out:

my main problem with [T] right now is that I don't think she believes me about the rape. Which I know actually doesn't make sense, but I can't explain, I just have this certainty that she doesn't believe me. That finally, finally, after 20 years I managed to TELL someone and she doesn't believe me.

Because she's not acting the same towards me, and she hasn't mentioned it and it's because she doesn't believe it happened.

That is crushing me. I can't keep asking her if she believes me because I've asked her in the past and she said yes and I can't keep asking her. She doesn't. Nobody does, nobody ever will, my chance to finally share that burden with someone and maybe, maybe be free of it is gone because nobody will ever listen, ever hear me, ever believe me ever ever ever.