I'm home tonight and it's amazing how easily I slip right into things here. I came back this morning, unpacked, had to run a few errands (which he had to come with me) and then went to pick Alex up from school.

I ended up giving him money for two packs of cigs after listening to the whining.......got to see the happiness on Alex's face when he saw me at school.

Went to parent/teacher conferences and he is doing exceptionally well.......getting A+s in most things, esp. math and reading.......B+ in neatness of work...lol. The teacher told me that I am raising a fine little boy. I was so proud of him.

Came home, played with Alex, made dinner, played some more, did laundry, etc. and spent "quality alone time" with my husband..........and through the entire day I felt empty inside.

I feel completely, utterly alone. Right now Alex is asleep, he's prowling around the house, but here I sit unable to sleep once again (I'm usually up till at least 2am these days).

I looked over Serenity's Masks site again and realized how true that is.......but the emptiness these days is getting worse, the cutting much worse. Even tonight I snuck upstairs to do it.

I love my son more than anything else in the world, yet why when I am gone, do I feel nothing? I could exist alone - just going to work, coming home and sitting in front of the computer. That would be my life, like it has been for the last six weeks. I have gone nowhere, done nothing at all but those two things.

I come home and the emptiness/coldness spreads outwards and I just deal with things, do what I need to do for everybody and that's my existence. No wonder I feel nothing - just this vast hole all around me.

I should have felt some closeness to my husband - but nothing. No connection, no "oneness"..........just sadness. I guess that is what I am here for. Oh, yes, and home cooked meals.

I leave in about 9 hours to drive back and go to work. I talked to my T today, both by phone and by email. I had remembered something from my childhood and wanted to let him know about it. I even felt disconnected from him.

Alex's teacher mentioned how well I "move around".........wanted to tell her it was because of the meds I'm on, but I didn't. She wouldn't really care - kind of like those questions, "how are you" "I'm fine" exchanges.

Yes, I'm rambling..........and sober too unfortunately. It is about 1:30am here and I suppose I should get Alex off the couch and upstairs to bed with me. I wonder if I'll sleep - last night I didn't.

Just lots of random thoughts, lots of nothingness.........

I hope everyone has a good day.

Mary Alice