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Trust .. mine is gone !
Can I ever get it back ? I desperately want to believe .. but experience has taught me not to. It seems so easy for some and yet it alludes me. I'd give anything just to feel good again about another person without the nagging pull on my heart telling me that I will be hurt again .. so I isolate myself thinking its safe ..
I had a friend that I had reconnected with after 30 yrs. I sent him a letter because I am so darn lonely and just wanted to see how he is.
My marriage is a farce. But that's another story. After many years of being invisible and unappreciated I finally mustered enough courage to just actually mail the darn letter. Motivated by loneliness.
After a month I received a reply by email, which was good, and safe .. We exchanged news of our lives and families and had a few good laughs with each other.
Turns out he has cancer .. but is dealing with it and not dwelling on it. I was devastated by his news but promised not to harp on it as he requested. I have my own health issues and we compared our boo boos .. we supported each other .. and prayed for each other.
He is a computer whiz .. I am not, but I'm learning.
It started slowly .. little put-downs on spelling or abilities on how to copy and paste .. patriotic insults as to which hockey team we preferred .. he Toronto Maple Leafs and me Detroit Red Wings. ( I did no bragging!) but did send my sympathies.
It felt good to have a friend, a confidante .. someone to vent with, about our sorrows and troubles with family and so-called friends. I started to feel comfortable .. I started to trust that this person would not hurt me .. I was wrong .. again!
After receiving yet another email full of knit-picking on everything I had to say .. I finally had enough .. I sent him a message full of the same to him along with a few choice colorful words that would be bleeted if I added them here.
It felt great to dish it back and yet I felt quilty that maybe I had hurt his feelings even tho he didnt seem to care if my feelings were being hurt. The reply to this was .. Goodbye, so long !
I will admit .. it hurt .. still does.
Lesson learned .. again !
Anybody else experience this? How do you deal with it? Am I too sensitive .. too needy?
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