I never really thought that I ever wanted to do things over in my life. I did think I wanted a different childhood, but besides that, I always had a sense that this was my path and I could go this way or that way and make changes. With a lot of therapy.

Im not feeling that way at the moment. Therapy cant fix this one. I am dealing with ao much financial s*** and the messes I made in my 20s and 30s (and even my teens) and this process of cleaning it up is making my head spin. I wish I could just go back with what I know now and do things differently. I dont know how I could have been so STUPID!

The truth is, and I dont know if its just the truth or and excuse I am telling myself, is that I was never taught how to live. I was never taught how to support myself, be responsible, how to handle finances or money I made. I was never taught that the money that comes in has to equal what is spent. I was never taught that loans, even as a student, should be re-paid without deferments, I was just let loose in this world and left to my own devices. And this is what happened.

I dont know if I am just making excuses and I have to now pay (so to speak) for the "sins" of the past. It feels like the sins of never having been guided or given direction are not my sins! Yet I am paying for them. I should have realized what I doing when I was young, but I didnt. Or maybe I did and I looked the other way. I wish I could go back in time, change some very basic things, and go on with my life as it was. It would have taken some very small changes and my life today would be without this headache and worry. I dont understand why I didnt realize that. I wish I had someone to grow me up when I needed growing up. No one did and I am suffering the consequences of that today.

Rant over......