thank you, darkrunner . i dont think my parents would understand the excitement thing. they dont get why i'm moving out and they just keep telling me how stressed i'll be and how much i'm going to fail. but i think if i think on it a bit i'll be able to come up with something that will fly by ok. i'll put my mind to it when i'm not so tired.

i did tell my friend that if i got the small room it'd be ok so long as i could put my study table in the lounge/dining area. she said i could just study on the dining table, but i wasn't keen on that (i keep my notes in piles; don't want to keep moving them whenever we eat), and she also said that i'd have to put up with her watching loud tv. so i'm not really keen on the small room myself - certainly not under conditions where i can't study in peace. she finishes her degree this year, but it's mainly coursework for her - she doesn't do research so doesn't get that i easily take up a filing cabinet worth of papers to reference & need to keep things organised. she studies on her bed.

i was excited last week but this week i just feel dread. i know i should be excited but i can't drum anything up. i'm trying not to think about it because i'm just getting down and i know it'll eventually turn into a depression.

i know that culturally some people think it's a rite of passage to move out, be independent etc, but it's not the cultural milieu i was brought up in. if i had a different family dynamic i'd be living here a lot longer, and not really caring about moving out. the only reason this is happening is because of some of the stuff that happens, and quite frankly it feels like i'm swapping one poor set of circumstances for another. better the devil you know, and all that.

i dont want to keep doing this. austin-t always says life is difficult but i dont want it to be this difficult. if it's like this forever then what's the point of trying? i really, really wish i could take the past month back and never have started this whole stupid thing.