So, T and I have been talking about shame. Ugh. Is there anything that feels worse than shame??

I told T yesterday that I want to throw the shame away, but that would mean that I have to throw me away. T latched right on to that, and said that we need to find a way to separate ME from the shame, because I am NOT the shame. The shame was given to me by other people.

I see him tomorrow, and he laid out this big plan: "On Thursday, we'll do this, and this, and this". He's never done that before, I ALWAYS get to decide how therapy is going to proceed, always, always, always. I don't know if I WANT to do what he wants me to do on Thursday, and I even told him that (I think I said "Or maybe we can just play games, like dots and uno" ). He won't make me work on any thing I don't want to work on, but I won't want to disappoint him, so I'm not sure what will happen.

T has told me recently that he really doesn't want me to suffer and it makes him want to jump in to do things to make the suffering stop....but he said that that isn't what he is there for, and he has to hold himself back and let me find my path. It seems with this Thursday thing that he's forgetting that.

I read somewhere once that T's make the most mistakes with the client's they like the most. T and I have talked about that a little bit. He said that it's probably true.

So....it feels like T is kind of making a mistake in being SO directive (because I know that's not how he does therapy), and I really don't think that *his* plan for getting rid of the shame will work, because it's *his* plan, not something coming from my own internal wisdom and drive to heal. But on the other hand, the fact that T cares so much that he's jumping in and trying to "fix" something for me is kind of sweet and healing in it's own way.

I know that T will NEVER *make* me do something that I don't want to do, ever, so I know that we don't have to work on the shame on Thursday if it's too scary. But I do want to move past it Ack, therapy is hard.