Quote:
Originally Posted by zooropa
thank you so much, googley and tree and jenn and blue and owl, for saying that you believe me. 
yes, speaking this stuff out loud for the 1st time makes it REAL and part of me doesn't want it to be real, still, after all this time. And no matter what T says there is a part of me that can't understand how she can't view me differently, knowing what happened, even just the parts she knows.
And I have a history of not being believed when I told my mom about csa so I have that fear that I carry with me.
This is so confusing to me, I'm trying to hard to sort out how much of this "rupture" is just going on in my head or if T really is acting differently towards me, it FEELS like she is but I'm trying to sort it out. I want it to be my imagination and so I can go back to having the T that I trust and depend on.
I'm just so sad and confused and every time I try to reach out to her to get her help sorting this out, that connection isn't there, she doesn't say the right thing, and it just makes it worse. Is it me? Is it her? Is it both? I wish I could just shut this off until next week when I see her but that's soooo hard.  |
Oh, zoo, I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I struggle with this too. A big fear of mine is being so vulnerable and not trusting that I will be treated gently. It also releases so many other emotions that I'd rather just not go there - the self-blame, the guilt, the sadness, the shame.
We are dealing with a lot of this in group T - about fear of being hurt, trusting, and the big one for me is - not being believed. So, I just don't share. The fear of all of that keeps me from moving forward and healing.
I believe you. I believe you wholeheartedly, with every single piece of me.
Keep talking about it. Here and with T. The more you share it, the closer you get to figuring it all out and that is the path to healing. Now, I just need to take my own advice. *sigh*