I read your post and I am thinking and thinking and thinking. On the one hand, that is SO me, too. If I am given a directive, I shut down and will go with whatever it is so that I am not making waves with T b/c I know she is so trying to "fix" me. On the other hand, I try to stay open to myself and say it wont work if that is what I believe. On the other hand, I feel like I should try what T is suggesting and be open to the process even if I am not familiar with the territory. I have to trust her. Im sure this response makes absolutely no sense. I get confused when I dont want to go there (this often happens with whatever T when it comes to food and what a T suggests I do) or follow her suggestions.

About shame. I feel like my whole life and whatever stuckness I experience is very shame-based. At the core of it is shame. And if I do dive in, as scary and awful it is, I look and look and it ends up being not as frightening. It ends up being enlightening. I was ashamed of things I need not be and I was responding with such intense shame because it was my reaction at THAT time. When I look at it now, it doesnt seem like there is as much to be ashamed of. Like the money issue. It could cause great shame, but actually, in light of my history, there really isnt any shame in taking care of business and my past. In light of a lot of things. In light of csa, in light of attracting abusers, in light of enjoying attention from them, in light of my reaction to emotional abuse from my mother. All of it doesnt warrent the shame of a child that I hold inside me. It is the shame of a child that didnt know any better.

I hope this made some sort of sense. Im sorry, Tree, if it didnt. What I am trying to say it that when we look at the shame, as it seems T wants you to, it might not be as bad as you think. If you are up to it, it might be helpful to move forward.