Billi - you're in the right forum. I was abused first by my mom and grandmother (dad's mom). s*xually. Then i was likewise abused by dad... then a teacher, then a friend's dad, experienced r*pe by my dad for several years, and then r*pe by a neighbor (another sort of friend's dad). I don't even try for relationships - they are so hard. I am totally weirded out by women. I merely go docile around men. I don't like either reaction, so i tend to stay hermited. One mentor is becoming my friend and that is really hard. am wanting to stay with it, but... i guess it helps me see where i bump up against the hard places. kiya