About shame.

I hurt my back yesterday, so I went and had a massage tonight (I could start another entire thread about that - omg). I do NOT have time to have a hurt back, and I am trying everything to feel better.

All through the massage, I was wondering what this woman thought about me being a CSA survivor. I wondered if she changed what she did at all, or if she worried about it. All of a sudden near the end of the massage, I saw me through HER eyes instead of MY eyes and realized...she didn't know. I hadn't told her. It's not tattooed on me anywhere. To her, I'm some mom who hurt her back and who needs a massage. That's it. I seriously SERIOUSLY felt like - totally shocked by this.

And I realized that while I am drowning in this shame, to everyone else, I'm just me. Not better and not worse than anyone else. A mom who homeschools and who is a musician and likes to knit. Just ME. No one can look at me and see what happened to me. T said shame is the eyes turned inward and I think I get that now.

I don't know what all of this means really for me and my shame and my healing. But it feels like SOMETHING, you know?