(((((((zoo)))))))

I just wanted to tell you that sometimes *I* don't believe me It just feels so unbelievable that this stuff happened to...ME. I really think of it as happening to some other little girl...it's hard for me to *get* that that little girl is me. It makes my brain spin.

I think growing up and having my experiences totally invalidated by my abusers, combined with my dissociative stuff and the feeling that that little girl was someone else makes the whole thing feel like a big crazy dream sometimes. And when I get that feeling, I feel like....how can T believe me? And I convince myself that he doesn't. And it feels HORRIBLE, but "right" too, you know? Like, oh this makes sense, some grown up doesn't believe me. Of course.

It scares me to ask T if he believes me. But I do ask him. And he tells me he believes me, over and over and over and over and over again, as many times as I need to hear it. Sometimes he tells me in words that don't makes sense to me (kind of like your t's "I believe you because I have no reason not to") so I ask him to tell me another way. I ask him to tell me in words the little me inside can understand, in words that don't have double meanings, in words that are easy for me to remember. I ask him to write it down. I ask him to leave it on voice mail messages. I need to hear it as much as I need to hear it, and for me, it's a huge, giant part of my healing. I need to KNOW that FINALLY someone sees me and hears me and BELIEVES ME.

I guess I just want you to know that how you feel makes so much sense to me. I really do think that your T believes you, really and truly. I do.