Michele, it was a decision that took 8 months to make. At first, I was hoping I would have had a miscarriage. Because I had one with my husband, I thought maybe I would have. I even tried to kill myself. I took all the Paxil's I had left over after being switched to another medication, since Paxil is a category D. Nothing happened. Nothing happened to me or the baby. It most have been destiny. Then one day my husband told me he was praying for the baby, I wondered why the heck would he do that? He told me "the baby did nothing wrong, the baby is innocent".

After being constantly yelled at to go to the doctor by my family, I finally made an appointment. That appointment I was only supposed to see the nurse, but I got to see my doctor because some was wrong. The doctor couldn't find the heartbeat, so she gave me an ultrasound. That's when everything changed, I couldn't try to avoid it anymore, it was real. There was nothing I could do about it. I wanted to give him up for adoption at that point. Then the next appointment, I found out it was a boy. And my doctor wanted to pray for me and my baby (I never told my doctor what happened, I wished I had, but I just couldn't get the words to come out of my mouth.) During her prayer, the doctor called him my son. I started to question if i wanted to give him up then. She was right he was MY SON, he wasn't just some spawn of an evil man. He was mine. I started discussing keeping him with my husband.

Then, my grandmother started taking me to her chiropractor. I went there a few times, they gave me the sessions for free. Then I heard the doctor and his wife were wanting desperately to adopt a baby. That was the first time I truly a love for my baby. Even though I did feel angry, threatened, and possessive. I knew for sure I couldn't give him up. I refused to go back to the chiropractor. I could accept anything for free, since they were only doing it, because they wanted to adopt my baby. My grandmother kept calling. I usually ignored it. Then one time I answered. She wanted me to go sit down with the chiropactor and his wife and discuss adoption. I said no. She told me, "this isn't about you and want you want....this is about the baby...you're being selfish, you only care about yourself, etc." I'm sure no one tried to take her baby away from her.

Well my pregnancy was very complicated, I had a lot of health problems, I had gained 64 lbs (which I lost after 9 months). Besides all the stress, the things I went through and my husband too, I went through all that. I might as well have this little guy that could make me happy.

When he was born, I wasn't happy at all. He looked so much like that guy. I can't really describe the feeling. I didn't have anything to say to him. When they took me down to the nursery to see him, they asked me if I want to feed him. No, I couldn't. After I assume I got some rest, the nurse brought him to me and we got to bond a little. Then that night he was crying, so I just let him sleep in the bed with me. It helped me sleep to. Now he's so attached and so am I.

I did have terrible postpartum depression and my PTSD got so much worse. I felt intensely angry almost all the time. I felt violent. I felt like I wanted to hit my son at times. I had problems nursing, because I felt violated. That's when I felt I wanted to hurt him the most. I'm glad he can drink cow's milk now. I NEVER felt like killing him, like a couple of the doctors asked when I went for help. That freaked me out that they thought that. And the same ones also asked if I wanted to give him up for adoption. One asked me a few times. I'm not leaving my baby, I never will. It was really terrible, but I still loved my son, and I always will. By the way, he's MY child. =)