My heart goes out to all of you

I stayed because I really did love him, no matter that he broke me down mentally, emotionally, verbally and sometimes physically. I just adored him. I have never understood my love for him. I also honestly believed that I could change him. I could not have been more wrong. He did change for a while, but always went back to his own ways. I went through a time of believing that my sole purpose was to make him a better man. I was wrong. Somebody said to me, right about the time my life fell to pieces, that my heart would meet up with my head. When it did, I divorced him. It almost destroyed me. But I knew what I had to do. It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. The guilt for loving somebody like that consumed me.

It has affected my life in that I still dream of him. Even though I have not seen him for many years. He still invades my private dream space. Whatever love I had for him as turned to hate because he still invades my dreams. And I remain fearful that he will make an entrance, a violent one. But my husband protects me and loves me. I was given a second chance and have a beautiful marriage now.

I have empathy for people who stay in abusive relationships because I have done it too. It is so complex and I wish people wouldn't say that we should just get out of the relationship. It just is not that easy.