So I woke up about 20 minutes ago and I guess I kinda came to some sort of conclusion why I was feeling how I was. I'm lonely, so lonely. I really don't do anything with my time. I lost a lot of friends over the years while I was with her just because I spent so much time with her or on the phone with her. I don't really go out, I don't have a job, I don't really have any friends, I don't talk to anyone on the phone. I have pretty much no human contact. I'm just a shell of a person right now and it's taking its toll on me.

I wish I could just turn back time, or magically find a job. I'm so tired of living like this and I don't see a way to change it other than getting lucky. I just hate my life right now, there's pretty much nothing good about it, nothing that brings me joy or satisfaction. I know it sounds like I'm whining, I just don't know how to get out of this and I absolutely HATE being here. I know I'm kinda basing my own happiness too much off others, but we're a social species and I have no social aspects in my life at all.

It's the same thing every single day. Wake up, put on a pot of coffee, take a shower, watch a bit of news, hop on the computer and check email and this website, bum around all day while looking for work. Then before I know it it's night and time to go to sleep and do this all over again the next day. I feel pathetic. Like my life has no meaning, and I guess a lot of the meaning in my life involved her. Now that she's gone I have nothing. I don't want my life to revolve around another person, but I've always kinda been that way. I just want someone to love, and someone to love me. I don't have that in any way right now and it's killing me.

Something she said to me that really made me think was "You're a much better person than I am". I asked her why, she said "Look how you're taking your friend cheating on her husband". Basically saying my morals are high and it's a bad thing that they are. After thinking about it, she may be right. I'm too good of a person, I expect too much out of people and I let myself get stepped on at times because I expect more from people. I kinda feel like I need to be more of a bad person I guess. Put myself first, ignore other peoples problems, take advantage of any situation I can take advantage of. My natural response to things is try to help, try to give advice, try to look on the bright side of things. Except if it involves me. I am so down on myself about everything that I really can't ever be happy.

So now I'm kinda at a crossroads. Do I sacrifice my own morals and standards in order to further myself in life? I mean really, you look at the "successful" people in the world and they're mostly ruthless self-centered assholes who will do whatever they can to get ahead. Maybe I need to adopt that mindset. I'm tired of getting stepped on or passed over because I'm easy. I guess I just need to look at the reality that life is a fight, and you come into this world alone and you leave it alone. It hurts to think like that, I like to think there's some good in the world and some caring people. And I know there are some, but usually they're the people like me who get stepped on by the others. I just don't know how I'm supposed to act, I was always taught to be caring and respectful and it hasn't done much good for me. I just don't know about anything really at the moment.