Ugh, I'm so angry.

Therapy was super hard today. It just was. We're talking about crap that's so hard and it makes me dissociate and I try to stay present and it makes me feel so stupid because T is sitting there looking at me and I'm just such a freaking MESS...hiding my face, drifting in and out, just lost and confused and stupid. I hate it, hate it, hate it. UGH!

T helped me get grounded about 10 minutes before I left. We stood up and talked standing up for a few minutes and just got present.

I just felt like crap though. And I wanted to feel better. And T said we need to SLOW DOWN and I feel like if we slow down we'll never get through all of this It feels like there's too much, like I'll never be all better. T says I AM moving forward, but I don't know. I just hate this place I'm at. Why did I have to move FORWARD into such a crappy place?

So, when I left, I didn't hug him (we always hug). I just stuck my hands in the pocket of my coat and walked out the door Why? I feel guilty now, because I was being angry at T and T didn't do anything. He works really hard with me.

I left him a message and told him that I think I'm mad at ME, not at him. I think I am. I hate myself for needing therapy twice a week and for everything that happened to me when I was little, and when I was a teen. I AM SO ****ING STUPID.

Ack. I don't know.