I'm really frustrated right now and in a really bad place. I cannot bring myself to even post about what's wrong because I'm just so scared to even face it myself.

I KNOW deep down that I've got to find a way to see my t more than once a month. Its just not helping me like this. Right now I feel very marginalized by the fact that I rarely see him and the last time I called him, he didn't even call me back. The thing I needed to talk to him about was a big deal and his receptionist called me back with some generic instructions. I am far too afraid of losing this t though, so I know that I will not have the courage to say anything to him about this on Friday (its finally been a month). I read what all of you write and you all seem so much farther on your journey to self healing. I am like a constant drowning victim who gets my head pulled above water once a month...all the rest of the time I'm sinking and pulling myself up, over and over. I have learned NO coping skills. I feel so incredibly jealous when I read the things your ts teach you. I don't know what to do.

The t I have now is pretty much my only option. But I know that I am going to get no better and am going to continuously lose ground only getting to visit once a month. I know well meaning people are going to suggest going to another town to a t or something, but I cannot afford to do that. Right now we are precariously balance on the edge of OK, but we have NO extra money for a t, especially because my insurance (I just got in Jan) only covers mental health services after a $1500 deductible and then they only pay 50%. I could never afford to do that.

God this is when I feel like such a failure. If I weren't so ****ed up I would still have a job and we would be doing perfectly fine. But I cannot handle the pressure and lose every job I get. Granted I always quit the jobs, but I cannot handle them. I know it sounds so freaking pathetic. I don't know what to do.

I need to talk, to get this bad stuff out so badly, but I have no one to turn to. My poor husband would be devastated to hear what I have to say, so I don't want to hurt him so I keep it all in. I am overwhelmed.

I had to drive about an hour away to take my son to the dentist this morning. They take him back to get his teeth cleaned and I stayed in the lobby. A nurse (or whatever) came out and was really rude to me. She insisted that he see a different dr.-the dr he does see has been a friend of my husband for 20 years, its why we drive an hour to take him to the dentist-acted like I was insane when I insisted that he see the right one and just walked off when I pissed her off enough when I was arguing her. Luckily I found our dentist's personal nurse and told her and she in turn went and got our dentist. He took care of everything, but they just didn't do things right! My dentist apologized and promised to make sure that didn't happen again, but it scared me to death. I know that they cannot do anything "bad" to him, but just the weird mix up and bad vibes from that one nurse sent my anxiety into overdrive. Anyway, after a few more stressful things, I ended up doing everything I could to hold in a complete panic attack and just make it back home. I walked in the house and fell apart. I am really freaking tired of being like this. I want to be able to be away from my house without losing my mind every time.

I'm sorry that I am wasting your time if you read this. I have been wanting badly to reach out for days and days but only just now got the nerve.