I saw my T today. We are recovering from a rupture. I seem to be repeating the same thing that happened with my parents. I spent all weekend in so much pain. I realized that I felt that she had to be mad at me because I was mad at her. That if she was mad at me then I could trust her. If she was nice I couldn't trust her. I know how to deal with people being angry with me. I don't know how to trust people being nice. I told her that I wanted her to be mad at me. It would make me feel safer. She asked me if she would have to be mean to me also. I said yes. I'm so embarrassed because I know logically that I'm not there to repeat the unhealthy patterns I grew up with. But emotionally I want it to be something I am used to and know how to handle. We also did crisis planning that will help. We are going to talk about this more next week. I feel like she left with a lot to think about. I just don't want her to think I'm too screwed up. I didn't want to leave her office tonight and usually I don't have this strong reluctant feeling. I just wanted to be somewhere I felt safe. It feels good to have Ts office feel safe.