So I'm talking to this guy.

If you know me, that's all you need to hear to know I've gone off the deep end of total insanity.

Furthermore, he's four years younger than I am.

In other words, he is the antithesis of what I need right now, which is to keep my walls up and be totally isolated from that kind of relationship.

It has nothing to do with him. He seems very nice, but the keyword is 'seems.' My ex husband is a sociopath. They pretend to be nice until they think they have you trapped, and then they're nice to everyone else and abusive to you, and everyone decides you're insane for not being totally in love with this wonderful person.

Even our marriage counselor thought I was the problem. One therapist told me I was just a lesbian who needed to have an abortion immediately (he didn't turn until I got pregnant with my daughter).

Long story short, I don't trust anyone anymore, period. I want to believe him. I want to trust that he's a genuine, caring person. I want to feel like I can talk to him without wondering if I'm just giving him things to use against me later, but I can't.

And the biggest wrinkle in all of this is that I support my parents, sister and daughter.

I can't leave. I can't date. I can't even have friends, because hanging out costs money, and I don't have ten cents.

And he says he could help. He says he'll be making decent money when he reaches E-5 (which is unlikely, because I'm sure even the branch he's joining is no different from the Army, and he's already injured, which is practically a guarantee that he'll be disabled and forced out).

I don't want that. I don't want to feel obligated to anyone. I want to do this myself, dig us out of this hole myself, because I can trust myself not to say Hey, I paid for half of that house, and I want to sell it now.

Open my parents up to losing the house because I got divorced again?

Not on your motherloving life.

At least the last time they weren't dependent on the guy I married.

No. I'm better off alone.

I told him not to pin his hopes on me. I told him I want it to be clear that we're just friends.

I'm lonely, but for a concept, the idea of a relationship, with the idea of a man who actually is dependable and trustworthy. There is no such man, at least not that I can absolutely know for sure.

I know a therapist would probably say that I'm just avoiding people because of the fear my last relationship instilled in me, or some mumbo-jumbo like that. That's not it.

I know not everyone is a sociopath. But you don't have to be one to have an argument, to find out you're not compatible and split. It happens to more than half of marriages these days, so I'd say I'm on the safe side of the odds by assuming the decision would be unwise.

And my baby is ten months old. What happens if, by chance, he turns out to be a child molester?

That would be my fault.

A therapist could also say that, by posting this, I'm either trying to talk myself into a relationship or out of one.

I guess I am trying to remind myself why it isn't a good idea to connect with him.

Maybe I connect with him for the wrong reasons. He'll be military soon. He'll understand what I went through like a civilian couldn't. That's the wrong reason because it's a connection based on a very negative part of my life. Or is it wrong to want someone who understands your pain?

I don't know. I'm too tired to even be thinking about this.

I have to get ready for work in five and a half hours.

As an aside... what does it mean if my back is suddenly going numb around my spine and tingling? That's bad, isn't it.