After the yuck and anger of yesterday I see T at 1 today.

I sent him an e-mail last night. I wasn't planning on doing this, but I just listed out all of the things I wish I could say out loud to him - about the abuse, and about my feelings about it, and my feelings about myself, and my fears about him. I started typing and it just POURED out.

In some ways, it made me feel better. I think a lot of how awful I feel lately is the combination of REALLY having this stuff pushing at me, wanting to be told and purged...and my inability to open my mouth and just SAY it.

I'm not sure what I want out of session today. I think I need to talk about how it feels to tell him this stuff and have him sitting there looking at me. It's easier when he sits with me on the couch...maybe because he is WITH me. The perp when I was little was a family friend who used to sit in a chair and watch me play. Maybe T sitting and staring me reminds me too much of that

Blah.