I'm sitting here and waiting to leave for my appointment and I'm so filled with anxiety that my hands are sweating. I don't know, I just have this awful, vague bad feeling. I know that its something that happens a lot before I have an anxiety attack, but I really hope that's not the case right now. I guess I feel like he's going to be angry at me. I've quit taking the last anti-psychotic he gave me because it made me feel horrible and when I called to talk to him about what to do, he didn't even call me back-that's when he had the receptionist call me instead. I have been on geodon, invega and navane in the past 6 months or so. I feel like I am a quitter because I cannot make it past these unbearable side effects. These antipsychs have all caused me to become extremely sleepy and unable to feel safe when driving. Half the time I am unable to stay awake longer than an hour or so at a time and when I am awake, I feel severely drugged and groggy. I've explained this to him and told him its a side effect I cannot accept because (1) I am unable to take care of my son properly when this is happening (2) what's the point of taking something that just makes me sleep constantly, that's certainly not helping anything? Ug, I just have such an overwhelmingly bad feeling about all of this. I was reading through some of my journals and it seems that the only mood stabilizer or anti psychotic I've ever taken that helped was topamax, but I had to quit because he ran out of samples and that was before the generic was approved. I want to ask him if I can try that again, but then I don't know if I will ever have the nerve to suggest a drug to him like that.

Oh my god, I wish I weren't sitting here alone, I'm driving myself nuts just thinking and thinking and worrying like hell about this. When I get anxious like this I tend to sort of zone out of whatever I'm worried about until its over. I don't want to realize I've sat through the whole appointment without dealing with any of this, but I don't know how to stay grounded enough to make myself deal with anything. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh