I have had two psychiatrists in my life. One for a few years as a teenager, and another briefly when I was 21. The first, was quick to diagnose and medicate me. I spent my teenage years HEAVILY medicated, on the strongest dose of depakote that they could give me, and something else I can't remember. Paxil I think. I was numb and thought I was invincible. When my mother left at 18, I became severely depressed and my doctor switched me to an anti-depressant. The anti-depressant reacted in my system and I became VERY manic. I stopped taking the medication before I could get in for another appointment because I was having suicidal thoughts and not sleeping/acting out in other ways. When I went back to see my psych, she said that I was lucky that I didn' end up in the hospital. After hearing her say that to me, I did not trust her anymore.

When I was 21, I saw a psychiatrist who was aloof and impersonal. I was on Medicaid at the time and she was a part of a very low funded community of therapists in my area, and when I reacted to the meds she prescribed me by having what I thought were seizures, becoming obsessed with suicide, and self-harming repeatedly, I tried to contact her to get in to see her asap and she told me that she could not make time for me and suggested I hospitalize myself. She took no personal responsibility, nor showed any concern for what I was experiencing, and I decided at that point that I would never choose the route of traditional psychiatry again, because for the second time in my life I had nearly ended everything as a result of medication.

When the first psychiatrist diagnosed me, I went along with that diagnoses. I even carried it over to the psychiatrist I saw at 21, and she told me she disagreed with my previous diagnoses and gave me a new one. When making the decision to see the psychiatrist at all I was completely willing to go along with whatever they said and wherever they led, otherwise I wouldn't have agreed to it in the first place.

I only came to the idea of gaining knowledge and reaching out to people with DID in the past few days. And I do not even believe in traditional diagnoses enough to WANT to be diagnosed as anything. I just WANT to understand myself and others as much as possible. And by saying that, I simply mean that everything is more complicated that JUST being one thing or another. There are no black or white answers to anything in life.

I am not someone who denies things about herself. Self awareness, healing and growth is my #1 goal.

I am here to form positive relationships and gather helpful information and insight. I appreciate anyone who shares my intentions with kindness and open mindedness.