ok, she just called me, and can I say...PHEW. After all week of rupture after rupture and every time I heard from her it just made things worse, finally, finally I heard from my T, the T I have learned to trust and depend on. Finally, she said what I needed to hear.

I just feel like I can breathe now, when I got off the phone the first thing I did was take a HUGE DEEP breathe and then burst into tears, lol!

She apologized and said that if I was picking up on tension or frustration from her, it's because she's "not the best compartmentalizer" but that it had nothing to do with me and that I just need to trust her that she will tell me if it IS me. Which I know she will, she has no problem with confronting me on therapy-interfering behavior.

I'm pretty sure that was the first time I've heard her use those exact words "trust me" and wow, it felt good. Is that ok? Part of me doesn't want to trust that but part of me really, really does. I've never had somebody I could trust that didn't end up hurting me. I will not forget the sound of her voice telling me "trust me".

She was also really validating about me learning to trust my gut with things like this, that it's ok to ask, that I can ask her every time I think I've done something wrong or I sense something weird between us, that that's how I will learn to trust the instincts that I was born with but that were taken away from me by my life experiences.

She also asked me if had SIed during this, or used drugs or alcohol, and I did not. I got through this, as hard as it was, being present with my emotions the whole time. She really reinforced that, which of course felt good.

I am almost overwhelmed with the feeling that I don't deserve this kind of...caring? Someone who will just be the same, all the time? Who wants what's best for me? Who wants to help me, just because I'm a person and I'm worth helping? I don't feel like I deserve it.

So I'm kind of laughing/crying/a mess right now. I feel so much better though, and thank you SO MUCH, all of you PC friends, I know I posted about this a LOT this week and thank you for your patience and your encouragement and your .

And bluemoon, thank you for telling me that Tues seemed like an eternity to you, that's what really made me go "yeah, that IS a freaking long time to feel like CRAP" and decide to call T again tonight.