We wrote some and I managed to talk some. He sat with me and when I could, I would talk, and when I couldn't, I would write.

He said that maybe the two years of work we've done has led us to this moment. I talked about how I keep leaving feeling worse instead of better, and we talked about it being because it feels like I miss an opportunity.....there is my safe person, my witness, the one person I can tell this stuff to, and it's too hard to say, and I leave, and I'm alone with it He said maybe I could start with one piece - whatever feels like the easiest piece of all of the hard stuff. Maybe I could.

He said my self-talk is just brutal. That I am absolutely beating my self up. I guess he's right....but it's so hard to not spin out into "I'm stupid, I should have done things differently, it's my fault".

I want to try to forgive that little me. I do. T says that at the age of 4, 5, 6, it can't be her fault. I don't even want to wonder if it's her fault. I just want to try to forgive her. I want to tell her it's okay. I want her to be able to let it go.

I told T today that it doesn't feel fair. I hate saying that...that is the sort of thing that would have got me in HUGE TROUBLE when I was growing up. But T said it's NOT fair. He said it never should have happened, ever. He said that if a grown up likes a little girl, he can tickle her and spin her around on the wood floor and listen to her laugh, and move on. He said that a grown up should never want more than that. I *get* it, intellectually, but it's really hard to apply it to me.

I told him things I feel about myself that I am SO ashamed of.

Maybe T will forgive the little me, and I will start to forgive her too. Maybe.