Why do I have this illogical thing stuck inside of me? I feel like the only people I can trust are those who are mean to me. I know this doesn't make sense, but growing up everyone who said they loved me hurt me. I know logically this doesn't make sense. But right now I really want to go back to patterns in T that I know and understand. I'm afraid T is being nice to me because it is her job and not because she actually likes me. I know I'm not there to repeat the same abusive patterns that I experienced before. Why do I just wish that she would hurt me like they did so that i would know for sure that she cared about me? I don't know that I can trust this nice stuff. I feel like I deserve to be hurt and that if she wont do it then I have to. While the logical side of my brain knows that this is totally screwed up, the rest of me just wants to be back somewhere that I understand what is happening.