I got my apartment all nice and clean. So why don't I want to stay here? I want to stay here, but I don't. I don't want to go out, but I do. Out to a meeting anyway. Don't want to drink, but been thinking about drinking. Not thinking about it like I'm thinking about doing it, just been on my mind. Was gonna go to an online meeting and just stay in, but thinking better of it now. I know I need to get to a meeting. No one has called me all day. I called my friend but she's with her boyfriend so I know she's too busy. Dug out my old journals....probably shouldn't have done that. I thought it would be fun to look back at the old miserable me, but only found out that the old miserable me is still inside me, I just put her to sleep. Feel like crying but can't, and don't know why I feel like crying. Need to read my bigbook or write. No motivation. Been off for 3 days now. Is that it? Been with myself too long maybe? Not feeling bad, not feeling good, just feeling blah.