I am sorry to hear of your loss. It sounds very complicated & something that you may need to work through with a professional who has experience with trauma's like this. I know that we may not feel that a trauma is effecting us much, but I found when I didn't expect it, that there were unusual symptoms that hit & I had no idea why until I was able to have the professional help I needed.

PC is also a good place to be able to open up with your feelings.....but having someone IRL to talk with is valuable for your healing.