I"m so so very upset and frustrated, it seems like the abuse I endured as a child keeps popping back up, haunting me, stealing moments from me, affecting the parts of my life I hold the dearest to me

How much more, how many more moments of my life will the memories and emotional scars ruin, steal from me?

I feel so much anger towards my abuser, the most anger I've felt in a long time.... he didn't just steal my innocence and childhood, he stole my ability to trust, and he keeps stealing from me...just keeps taking...

I know I have the ability to stop it, to not let him have any other part of my life, but there are some moments, just little things, slip up of words, a familar smell, a trigger whatever it may be, that sets me off, I freeze like a deer in the headlights, and that scared little girl that lives in me comes out and takes over, and all I can do is cry and whisper "no" over and over again, complete system faluire....

I feel so horrible, so frustrated, I just want to sit and cry, and I want to make him pay, pay for all the things he has stolen from me, the things he keeps taking, all those little moments, all the little things add up...pile up, make me so so incredibly sorrowful, so wounded and hurt. How much have I lost? How much will I loose in the years to come?

I want this gone, I want that scared little girl to go away, to take her tears, her whispering objections, her sad scared eyes I see when I look in the mirror from time to time, just leave me, leave me to pretend, leave me to lie to myself.....

It's sooooo frustrating, two steps foreword, another step back....